I have a few posts in the queue, but every once in a while (or more like multiple times a day) I get fed up with my need to have all my words ‘just so.’ Whether I’m speaking or writing, I can’t let loose an errant syllable without a pain-staking, ‘what does this say about me?’ reflection. So right now I’m just going to put down what I’m thinking.

A couple things are at the forefront. I am currently helping my grandpa, who now lives at a nursing home, and one of the other residents, a woman named Janet with dementia, was having trouble today because another lady was in her room, insisting that the room and everything in it belonged, not to Janet, but her. I’m not sure who was in the wrong, but Janet, wandered into my grandpa’s room and related the situation to me, then said, ‘I actually feel sorry for this woman. I mean, to think this is the situation when it’s not, but it’s still frustrating when I can’t get into my own room.’ My heart went out to her, and I said, ‘Don’t worry. I know it’s hard.’ ‘I just want it sorted out.’ ‘It will be. It just takes time.’ She nodded, then as she left, she turned back and said very genuinely, ‘Thanks for listening.’ I felt the heart thrill in my chest, since this is one of the few things in life that gives me joy: when people feel like they can confide in me.

The second thing is that I think I’ve separated ‘religion’ from ‘God’ in my mind. I find myself very interested in religion from an intellectual standpoint, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with seeking out Truth using an intellectual mindset. What I don’t like is the little voice of accusation telling me that God can’t be understood with the head; he must be believed in by the heart. Whatever. Okay fine, I’m not saying it’s wrong, but I was looking at a DVD cover from a Bible study course called ‘Jesus in the Feasts,’ which, for those not well-versed in the Old Testament (which is the whopping majority of the population), means that the study will focus on how Jesus is represented symbolically in the various Jewish holy days that they celebrated throughout the year. For example, he is the sacrificial lamb for Yom Kippur. Anyways, I realized that I would be interested in the study the same way that I’m interested in history, or Jane Austen’s novels, or how difficult it must have been for Abraham Lincoln to have to go right back to work as President the day after his son Willie died. But when the part would inevitably come where the leader of the Bible study would ask, ‘So what could God be saying to us through this today?’ I found myself retreating emotionally. Maybe I’m just fed up with trying to squeeze blood from the spiritual stone that is my relationship with God, but I don’t care what these ‘special studies’ have to do with my life. I’ve done all the ‘seeking’ I can psychologically stomach, with next to nothing to show for it, and the little I do have is pretty much a fool’s hope that just maybe things will get better. I say that if there’s any Truth to this ‘God,’ it’s about time he makes himself known to me, religion be damned.

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